The other day I was picnicking with my best friends on the beach reveling in the sweetness of their presence. Our friendships have grown, changed, and flourished through cross country moves, a wedding, babies, losing loved ones, getting our dream jobs, driving minivans, and most recently a proposal with yet another move on the horizon. Needless to say, feasting together with the soundtrack of west coast waves crashing against the shore as I snuggled my best friend’s newborn while the other two chased her toddler was a slice of heaven. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized how precious the day was, knowing full well that another one like it was likely in the distant future.
I’m often caught between wanting the present moment to last forever and grasping for what’s to come. It’s a never ending tug of war that results in a mind boggling endeavor to grasp the infinite while living within the construct of time.
I want what’s coming, or at least what I think is coming, but I am simultaneously afraid of time passing too fast. Weeks fly by while hours feel like a millennium at times.
Here I am, Lord.
I wish I could tell you it is as simple as praying those four words. Not even close.
It’s a little more like this…
Caught up in the work week, pausing occasionally to stress about the future, and praying for the wisdom to trust in God’s will as I ardently pray for it to be done. I want to want your will to be done, Lord, even if I fail to trust in you far too often. When my prayers get impatient or demanding, just know that in my heart of hearts, I love you and genuinely want to serve your Kingdom – whatever that entails. But Jesus, you know what I desire, so please fulfill the desires of my heart, especially since you put them there in the first place. I know I sound contradictory, but you know all things, so hopefully you can make sense of my rambling. Jesus, I do long to do your will. Give me the courage to say yes like Mary, and oh, give me a sign. A blatant sign. Preferably today. I love you, Jesus. My heart is yours.
“Skies spin their dance within Your breath, time runs its race within Your hand
And my mind runs wild to comprehend, what no mind on earth could understand
Your ways are higher, Your thoughts are wilder…
It makes no sense but this is grace, and I know You’re with me in this place”
– Hillsong UNITED
His ways are higher, and he doesn’t expect me to understand the intricacy of this time and place or what’s to come. He is simply with me, here and now.
Amidst the whirlwind of my thoughts and the limits of my comprehension, I love and serve a God who is intricately involved with every detail of my life.
“And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid.” Matthew 10:30-31
God cares so much about you that he knows how much hair goes down the shower drain each morning.
“I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” Genesis 28:15
He never breaks his promises. He is committed to walking with you through every moment. He’s not going anywhere!
“I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” Jeremiah 31:3
He is in love with you. Giddy, all-consuming, sacrificial love. Sister, you are his bride. You have captured his heart. He delights in pursuing you.
I wrote these words for both of us. We need to be reminded of who our God is in all of his glory and romance and splendor. His mission is to capture our hearts.
His words are as sweet as honey, and they soothe the soul with peace and trust. The circumstances of my life haven’t miraculously changed, but the disposition of my heart has been directed back to his gaze.
I wasn’t made for this world, and neither were you. We were made for so much more, and until we get there, this “longing for more but not yet” feeling serves as a reminder of the ultimate goal: Heaven.
“The world is thy ship and not thy home.” – St. Thérèse of Lisieux
The fact that we grapple with this feeling is an indication that our heart truly longs for heaven, and we won’t be satisfied until we rest in our eternal home. It’s comforting to know that our soul aches for what our mind cannot comprehend. Our lack of understanding doesn’t inhibit our innate longing for union with God.
“So I set about to find God and found that I could not find him until I embraced the mediator between God and man, Christ Jesus, who is all over all these things, who was calling me and saying: ‘I am the Way, the Truth and the Life…
You have made us for yourself and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.”
-St. Augustine of Hippo